guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
