my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
