No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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