Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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