Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
