i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
In other news, I just burned my penis
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
