He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
