he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I met the friendliest cop last night
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We are two peas in an std pod
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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