Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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