i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
