Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
it was like eating out sand paper
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
