the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
