whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
