I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
