I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
