Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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