Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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