turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
