if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
