you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
