I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
