i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
