Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
