He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
