Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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