So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
