apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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