you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
