watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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