how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
