I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
We need a shit load of segways right now
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
