I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
