I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
