i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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