Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
