He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
