Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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