You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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