just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
you have to choose: penises or morals?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
