Rock
Scissors
Fuck
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
