i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
