I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He better not be in your backpack
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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