how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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