Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
