I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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