I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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