They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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