I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
