there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
