i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
