you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
