there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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