oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
